Motivation

‎
Written by Amandita Sullivan
Brought to you by: Hope for Disabilities

"GOOD THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN" is my mantra.  I whisper it upon waking up, while at the doctors receiving bad news, as I battle through one of my daily skull-crushing migraines, when "it's another Saturday night and I aint got nobody" (like tonight lol) and as I lay me down to sleep. Despite what the scoreboard reads, en el fondo de mi corazoncito - in the bottom of my heart - I know that the best REALLY is yet to come.

Whenever people hear my story, they want me to curse the world and stomp on the grave of the man who did this to me. They demand the names and numbers of whomever has hurt me, disrespected me, made me cry or temporarily stolen my smile. I'm expected to despise my life. I'm supposed to not want to get out of bed to face the day. I should assume men do not want to date me. My spirits should be low and my confidence even lower. No one would blame me for keeping my sadness up and my head down. But, that's not how Sully "rolls" ...

I made a very conscious decision in the weeks after my accident. I chose to LOVE my LIFE, even though I may not like my CIRCUMSTANCES. If I don't love my life, then I can never fully love myself. And if I don't love myself, how can I expect anyone else to love me?? This came with the realization that complaining will NOT improve anything. Transforming into Negative Nelly will not magically allow me to run. Holding grudges against "the powers that be" will certainly not empower me. As a matter of fact, whining worsens a bad situation by allowing a person to chose victim-mentality over hero-mentality. A broken spirit is way more disabling than a broken body and almost impossible to cure. So, DO NOT let this happen to you!! We create our reality through our THOUGHTS alone. By thinking positive thoughts & surrounding yourself with like-minded people, you will become unstoppable~ I PROMISE YOU!! By adopting "The Good Things Are Going To Happen Mentality", wonderful situations will begin unfolding before your eyes and beautiful people will walk, crutch and wheel into your life.

On the way out of the hospital one day, my Mom parked my wheelchair in the sun so she could go get the car. A frail little lady, also in a wheelchair, was left in the same strip of sunlight, as well, by her handicap van driver.

Her arm was in a sling and her big brown eyes were welled-up with tears. She informed me that her name was Susan and asked what I had done to myself. After explaining that I was struck by a car, I asked Susan what happened to her. "I have cancer. =( =( ", she said, "But it's treatable... " Her voice trembled and trailed off.

This beautiful lady wanted to know exactly what the doctors told me at my most-recent medical evaluation & what they had been saying about my situation & my recovery in general. I responded very honestly,"Susan, it doesn't matter what the doctors say. We can never EVER base our recovery nor our happiness and optimism on the words that THEY chose to define US. What truly matters is how you feel in your heart. My heart knows I will be fine. This way, I let my heart define me, not my body. This is our unique opportunity to let our hearts transcend our bodies. "

Overcome with emotion, Susan wheeled herself next to me and embraced me. Through tears she whispered, "Amanda, it is like God put you in my path right now, in this little shared strip of sunlight, at the EXACT moment that I needed to hear those exact words. THANK YOU..."

I repeated the quote that I placed in my Facebook status earlier that morning, because it was fresh in my mind:

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." Susan stopped crying, wiped the tears from her cheeks and a bright smile exploded across her face. As we said our goodbyes, I reminded Susan that that it's up to us to keep the candle in our souls burning because that very candle will curse the darkness of our situations down the road. How bright our spiritual flames will burn is determined by US, not by our situations. And, "it only takes ONE candle to curse the darkness." Had I not been injured and at the hospital, I would not have been placed directly in Susan's path. Hugging her made a lot of the drama of my past few months disappear.

This difficult journey, though something I would've NEVER chosen for myself, has been like a Graduate School for my soul. I've learned that Spiritual Strength (SS) is infinitely more important than physical strength. With time, SS heals ALL emotional wounds, thus transforming a would-be victim into A WARRIOR!

My heart is opened to whatever The Universe wishes to teach me while I fight towards my full recovery. This new wave of inspiration has flooded my being so greatly that I almost feel badly for the times I've been frustrated with the crutches and the wheelchair. Focusing on what I can NOT do upsets me every time. I am now maintaining my focus on everything I CAN DO. And, low and behold, I am pretty amazing!! Who knew?? I bet you are, too (you just don't realize it yet). I'm excited to be a part of something EPIC, which is already teaching me more about pain, struggle, heartbreak, hope, determination, inspiration, life and love than I could have ever learned otherwise.

The key to TRUE HAPPINESS lies in keeping your heart opened to all of the lessons that the Universe is trying to teach you with each new experience. This holds true especially during the most trying times of our lives: When the chips are down, the bills are piling up, your back's against the wall & instinct is telling you to protect yourself by closing up to everyone around you. So, keep SMILING when you want to cry. Practice GRATITUDE. Search for the UNIQUE lessons to be learned through adversity. Let your soul overflow with HOPE, LOVE & LAUGHTER! As a result, a spark will IGNITE within your soul cursing the darkness and illuminating an INSPIRED path amongst the rubble of your troubles.

Brought to you by Hope for Disabilities

MRI's are Scary: Don't You Think?

Being inserted in an MRI machine

How did I cope being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis?
For me this one question, "How did I cope being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis"? does not have an easy answer.  As I reflect back to that time when I had my first symptom I had felt a very strange feeling on my rear on the left side.  At the time I could not even describe the feeling.  It just felt like there was a big whole, now I know that it was numbness.  This was on a Thursday night.

The next day it started going down my left leg straight into the foot.  My left foot felt huge likes an elephant foot but when I looked it down, I saw just my foot.  I had to work that Friday and I always wore high heals with my suits, well that day I had to were some ridiculous flats that I had.  It did not go well I really needed to sit down but I couldn’t because I could not let this interfere with my career.  My boss kept asking me if I was OK, he was worried and told me that he was going to send me to the emergency room to get looked at. That was on a Friday.

Sunday I went to a different one and then back to work on Monday but my boss sent me to a different emergency room.  At all three visits they found nothing.  I was tested for upper GI stuff and basically everything under the sun.  The doctors were very puzzled and could not understand it, which made me feel very isolated and alone.  What was wrong with me?  At the third visit on doctor came to me and said the only thing he could think of what that if I had some numbness maybe it was neurological thing and that I should find a neurologist.

Now at that time I never heard of a neurologist I asked if the doctor could refer me but he could not for whatever reason.  I guess the first thing I did was go home and lay down so I would not get a serious headache and wait for the pain of the spinal tap to go away.  At this point I had not yet been diagnosed with MS my doctor was checking for viruses.  My doctor said that viruses could mimic many things so he need to be sure, but my symptoms all led down the road to Multiple Sclerosis. 

A week later I went back to the neurologist and he confirmed his suspicions that I had Multiple Sclerosis but he wanted an MRI to seal the deal I guess.  So that afternoon I went and had my first MRI.

Now there is a funny to tell about my experience.  About 3 weeks prior to the MRI I went and had my bellybutton pierced (not knowing that I would have to undergo an MRI). You cannot have metal on you during the test so I had to take it out.  I was so worried that I would not be able to get it in that when I was in the dressing room putting on my gown I called the piercing place, told them what was going on and if they would put it back in for me.  So after my MRI I went to Pacific Beach, Ca and had the technician insert my piercing one more time.  I was so glad that I did this because I was terrified of putting it through the sore skin.  So I was like so happy and now nervous of what was a head of me.

I had never seen an MRI machine except on TV and what I had seen was a tiny hole that I could not see how I or anyone else could fit into.  I walked into the room; it was very cold and very sterile and very white.  The MRI machine looked very intimidating and loud.  The technician had me lay down on the long thin table that goes into the machine and covered me up with warm blankets.  Do you want some headphones to listen to music she asked and I was thinking how odd to ask me such a question.  Did this mean I would be in that thing for a long time?  She explained that the machine gets this loud knocking sound and can be a little scary.  Well once she had put this brace thing on my head and locked it down into the table I started to freak out.  Total anxiety!  Please I told her let me where the headphones so I would be able to relax.  My neurologist did prescribe a pill that would help me with what I was feeling it’s just it had not kicked yet.  So anyway, the technician left me alone on the table and left the room to watch me through a window.  OK I’m lying there wandering what is going to happen next and the table started to move backward.  All I could think of was to start praying and ask for deliverance of this experience.  The table kept sliding backwards and seemed to never stop until I was all the way in.  I was so afraid to open my eyes and when I did I really regretted it because I could see how small and tight it was inside and it was so bright.  I had my headphones listening to top 40 radio, my medicine was kicking in and I was starting to relax thinking this wasn’t so bad.  Well wrong thinking!  There was more to this experience!  The machine sounded as if it was being hit really hard on both of it’s sides and started to shake.  I started praying again and then fell a sleep, which was good; I did not have to live through the battle that the MRI machine seemed to be having.  Once in a while I would hear a voice telling me to be still and not move my head, the voice sounded so far away like I was in spaceship or something.  After awhile the table started to move forward and the sounds had stopped and I was trying to wake up from the grogginess of the drug, but it was very difficult.  “How was it? It’s so bad is it?  The technician said to me and I was no way in agreement.

Grounhog Day: Being a Caregiver

Today I have found myself reflecting on all the things that my husband (Stewart) does as my caregiver.  He is an amazing person and I very blessed to have him in my life.  We have been married 13 years now. 

Stewart's morning starts out 5:00 a.m. getting out of bed and getting ready for work.  Then he gets my morning pills together along with my cranberry juice mixed with a laxative and brings it into me to take before he leaves.  He apply's a patch on my back that is a medicine used for early onset Alzheimer's.  No, I don't have Alzheimer's but I do have Multiple Sclerosis (diagnosed 15 years ago) which can have terrible problems with cognitive abilities.  The patch really does work by way. 

Stewart works hard all day and makes a really nice living.  Again like I said before I have been very blessed to be married to him and have him as my caregiver.  He is kind, considerate (most of the time) :o), strong and very smart.  He has learned and understands the fine line between being a caregiver and a husband.  The two are very different from each other and when they get intertwined it can get very messy.  A caregiver has different duties then what the norm is for your spouse.

Back to my story.  Now, it is time for him to come home from work.  He sits in traffic for about an hour before he arrives home.  He comes gives me kiss, pets the kitties and right away starts making our dinner.  You can see that he still hasent stopped since he left in the morning.  Go, go, go is his motto, well not really but it should be because that's all he does from a.m. to p.m.  After dinner is finished he cleans up the kitchen and prepares my evening pills.  After that he is able to rest for a little while before bed.  At that time he gets maybe an hour or so to be my husband before he turns back into a pumpkin oh I mean caregiver. lol lol  It just doesn't stop for him.  After is time to chill he still has to go get his clothes ready for work the next day, make the coffee and clean the cat box.  It's another Groundhog day all over again.  Wow, just writing this I'm realizing really how much he does in his day! No wonder he is always so exhausted and says that he cannot add one more thing to his plate!  I do actually realize most this to a point but I'm not in his shoes to know exactly how or what he is feeling, most of the time he says he is fine.

You are probably wondering where I am in this marriage.  I stay home all day not able to drive much and work on Hope 4 Disabilities.  I do laundry when I can, clean up and organize my house and help out where ever I can.  A lot of days I just can hardly move due to extreme fatigue, cognitive problems with memory and terrible pain in my back and a lot of times all over my body.  Sooo because of all this I cannot be me at least the me that I used to know.  Ok,  that's a story for another time.

Stewart, to the best of his ability's helps me live a full life.  I have so much to be thankful for and I am also thankful that the good Lord is with me and helps me get through my days.  Well, it's time to start the day all over again

 Thank you Stewart for loving me for me!
 Well that's just about it, at least what I can remember. lol lol