I HAVE FEARED BEING LABELED 'DISABLED

"he offered to pay me $20 bucks to not call the police & then left me for dead"

In the past, it has given me great Serenity to hear that my loved ones "don't see me as disabled." I have been called "a crippled b*tch" by heartless girls. I've had cabs stolen from me in the rain by able-bodied people who waited for me to catch the cab & then, as I struggled to crutch towards the door, ran in front of me & took it. I dated a boy who's parents, after meeting me, told him that "he deserved better than a crippled girl" & that "it was obvious that he was settling with someone who's disabled." I FEARED HOW PEOPLE VIEWED ME. I wanted desperately to be THE OLD ME: To run, skip, jump, hop, dance, swim, boogaloo, slip-n-slide, sprint stairs at the HS stadium, drive, go on adventures, rock climb, surf, pick up my niece & nephew, wear heels & pants that fit with a huge knee brace. I was riddled by guilt because the children I had picked out to be in an orphanage in Mexico City (which was to open March 1, 2009) are now lost in the streets bc I was unable to be there to finish setting up the shelter. The family of the 81 year old man- who hit me, offered to pay me $20 bucks to not call the police & then left me for dead- blame ME for his death 9 months afterwards. The man had a heart condition & his family contends that all the stress of what he did to me "did him in". I am broken-hearten over missing my cousin, Christy's, wedding this weekend in CT (my doctors have ordered me to bed rest again). I have missed college, HS & study abroad reunions. I have had migraines that lasted for days and left me hemorrhaging (blood and cerebrospinal fluid) from my ears and my nose. I have gone to the Emergency Room more in the last 2.5 years than I have gone out and had fun. I have done double sessions of Physical Therapy 3xs a week for over two years. I have cried myself to sleep more times than I could ever count. My baby niece refers to any crutches as "Mandy" and it dawned on me that neither my niece nor nephew remember me any other way than injured. I have met more inspirational people in the last few years than I ever imagined possible. I have ridden on the back of a moving vehicle with a driver who had NO IDEA I was on his car & and lived to tell the tale. If I had landed a different way upon hitting the street, the disks in my Thoracic spine which are impinging (poking) my spinal cord could have sunken further into my spinal cord & left me quadriplegic. ** I AM BLESSED ** I have numerous traumatic brain injuries and can still form sentences. I am surrounded by the love of my friends and family. I feel a burning desire inside of me to someday share the lessons this nightmare has taught me with the world. I have discovered that life is more about a series of ATTITUDES, as opposed to a series of CIRCUMSTANCES. I am infinitely stronger than I ever imagined. I have the cutest little Jewish Neurologist from Brooklyn who makes me want to hug him every time he speaks, even when he's giving me bad news. I recognize the light in EVERYONE I cross paths with. I have eliminated all negativity from my life & only welcome positive energy. I can not control the past but am controlling what I will do with it. I am BETTER than the old me: I am stronger, more focused, more driven, more appreciative, more loving, more hugging, more dreaming- My heart broke in early 2009 along with my body, but I kept it opened and it has GROWN & is now overflowing with love for everything around me. I have gone to the beach and watched the sunset over the water, something I dreamed of doing for the year+ that I was in bed for. I had a team of dragonflies land on me while sitting in the sand & discovered that dragonflies are NATIVE AMERICAN symbols of hope, strength in the face of adversity, endurance, rebirth & rejuvenation. I left the beach crying one day after seeing everyone around me doing everything at once that I wish I could do, only to force myself back to the beach the next cloudy day. I wore a hat down low & was on the verge of tears. I didn't want anyone to look at me because I felt very aware of how DIFFERENT my body was from theirs. My twin brother, Ryan, took a picture of me with the cloudy sky in the background & we were BLOWN AWAY when we saw the pictures: The dark, cloudy SKY was opening up above me and a bright, vibrant light was shining through and touching me in every picture (shown here). I knew my angels were sending me a message that "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY". I want you to see me for WHO I am today. I am disabled. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am indestructible. I am determined to not let my physical limitations hold me back. I want you to think of me when you see someone wheeling themselves, crutching or caning themselves through life. I want you to realize that THEY, I mean WE, are no LESS than YOU because we are DIFFERENT. Every wheelchair, crutch and cane has a story and a HERO behind it. Our society should EMBRACE this inspiration instead of constantly shunning it. I am a spiritually-remodeled version of my pre-accident self. I REFUSE to stop fighting towards my COMPLETE recovery. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!! In the meanwhile, I am learning a plethora of lessons from this debacle & hope that no one ever has to experience first-hand what the last few years have been like for me. But, they DO say that pressure MAKES diamonds. And what girl doesn't love Diamonds, right?!?! I will proudly wear these $piritual Diamonds as the new jewelry of my soul during my healing process and long after my recovery is complete. My wheelchair may not have hot rims but my soul is most certainly bling-blingin these days... and that makes this girl smile =)
Brought to you by Hope 4 Disabilities

Written by Amandita Sullivan http://www.facebook.com/AmanditaSullivan